I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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