Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
