it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
