sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
