My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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