I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
