god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
