Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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