Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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