Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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