Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
