i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
