My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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