Soap is not a condiment
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
