I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
