my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
