got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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