What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
