i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
