I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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