kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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