Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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