There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
