Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
