She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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