ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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