Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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