Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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