he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
