Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
