My balls are so social today.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
