my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
