my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
