Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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