I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
