Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
