Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
