She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
