1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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