Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
