he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
