the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
