Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
