T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
