can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
