i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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