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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
