Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
