Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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