dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
