Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
