my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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