i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
