he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
